one word: firstdatebathroomanal
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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