She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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