carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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