all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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