I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
4 words: hood of his car
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
