im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
