Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Found the puke drawer
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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