I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
