I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
