He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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