Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
