I got chris browned last night
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
