when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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