I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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