the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
