you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
