glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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