I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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