An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
