i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you inspire me to be a worse person
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
They have beer where we have blood.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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