You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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