i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i now understand why vodka
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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