The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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