If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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