Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
