I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
