I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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