I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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