he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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