My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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