Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
