had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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