did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
