mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im six kinds of drunk right now
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
