Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize