Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
