I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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