Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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