I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Randomize
