i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
