Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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