At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
