It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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