Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize