he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
