After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
