SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
