i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
