Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
