I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
