why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
