Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
