and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize