Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
