Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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