Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
