ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
