She went from zero to smokin in five shots
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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