I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
