The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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