Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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