I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm way too hungover for life right now
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
