Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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