i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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