be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
