yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
