I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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