He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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