This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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