I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
