I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
