I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
